A month ago I sat in this exact same spot and penned my Editor’s Letter for June beside my whiteboard of goals and to-do list. One of the bullet points was heavily ambitious but for me it was another goal I was aiming to tick off my list, ‘research how to contribute to Huffington Post.’ I’d devoted an evening researching how other bloggers had been given the opportunity to become Huffington Post Bloggers and literally devised a strategic plan on how to achieve through my Balkan Series. I kept thinking about it, visualised it and imagined what it would feel like to have such a title beside my name. It wasn’t an easy goal to achieve but it wasn’t impossible. I knew my life wouldn’t change overnight but it would provide me with a mega media platform with an opportunity to increase my audience through my writing and journey.
After reading Teal Swan’s latest book, Shadows Before Dawn, I realised there was never going to be any progression in my life if I didn’t deal with my inner demons first. So I placed myself into the shoes of the girl I was ten years ago and re told my story and I retold it from the heart. I retold it’s details in such depth, I spent several days in a personal breakdown as I edited it over and over again, I felt 18 again. I didn’t talk to anyone, I barely responded to any messages and I sat there watching the screen on my laptop figuring out what kind of message I wanted to achieve without exploiting my ex-boyfriend. This wasn’t about him and what he had done. I disregarded my family, in particular my parents. I couldn’t care less what went through their minds as they worked their way through each sentence. My reality and the aftermath was a lot more painful than reading this story. It was the first piece of content I’d produced that I’d delivered from my broken heart. No one’s feelings were factored into this equation, not even my own.
I had the story scheduled in for Sunday night or Monday morning but decided to bite the bullet and publish it on the following day which was Wednesday. I didn’t post it on any social media accounts and sent it to a few good friends around the world and it went viral through their circles. My phone filled with messages from many people I’d crossed paths with over the years who never imagined that I’d experienced such horror. I spent two days in bed. My feelings were bittersweet and I was just crying and wondering what could evolve from this, did people really need to know I was once sodomised by my boyfriend? And yes, rape in a relationship is a real thing.
Releasing that dark corner of my life grew many magnitudes more powerful when I received an email from Arianna Huffington inviting me to The Huffington Post’s contributor platform. I’ve sat in this same spot for months and wondered what it would look like to have her name pop up in my email notifications. If there was ever a time I needed to trust the process, it was now.
I’ve spent all year walking around London asking the universe to reward me with my dreams.
“Set me free please, I won’t let you down,” I’d say, sometimes with tears in my eyes.
All I had to do was set my own self free and the rest would follow. We hear it all the time, we read about it in spiritual texts and in philosophy but we don’t believe it because it doesn’t happen instantaneously so we create doubt and confuse the process. Ask and you shall receive, the universal laws of attraction are very powerful. I am a living example of somebody who has manifested her every day reality by following the voices within.
When I left Sydney two years ago, I knew it was time for me to leave. I had no idea what to expect or how I’d manage to survive on the opposite end of the world but I knew I’d work out my ways. I just had to believe in the process. Had I waited a few more days to publish that post who knows what the outcome would have been because no amount of days or hours can prepare you for such vulnerability. As I wrote in my last Editor’s Letter, ‘You’re ready before you’re ready.’
I’m sitting in a cafe in Brick Lane with a friend who I look up to like a mentor. We are chatting about the creative process, the tools I use to channel what I want and where I want to be in a years time. We then head into the deep waters of that post and the response from people.
“In less than a month my life changed. Not only did I set my soul free, I set my life up onto the path I have had the courage to dream of. When I sit to write now, there’s nothing blocking me from within. No fear, no shame, no judgement. I am creating with my authentic voice.”
“Do you see yourself talking to Oprah?” she asks.
I’m not joking when I tell you that I do.
Don’t let your dreams just be dreams –
Taking a risk will always be rewarded.