EDITOR’S LETTER- JUNE 2017 ● “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU, ADRIANA.”

I don’t believe you, Adriana.

It was loud and clear. No explanation needed. I knew what he meant by that message, I knew exactly what he was doubting but just incase my intuition was wrong, I looked for reassurance.

You don’t believe what?

This “sober” life you’re displaying online. You’re lying. I don’t believe you. You will drink again and you will get back into drugs. I know you, you like the high life too much, you will always be a party girl.

I was aware that the majority of the bad vices and decisions I’d made in my past were cautiously watching my movements online but to doubt my will power was a hit to my ego no line of cocaine could compete with.

I don’t believe myself either. I can’t believe that the closest I’ve come to a gin and tonic is sniffing a Hendricks recalling my “last time.” I can’t believe that I have written some of my best work without any chemical influences because my greatest fear was how I’d write if I got sober. I can’t believe that I now have sex, sober but for 11 years I was always drunk or on drugs. I can’t believe that when I meet someone I may like I bluntly say, “I am an addict in recovery. You will never see me drink, you will never see me on drugs and if you have your own problem with either of these, I don’t want you in my life.

I can’t believe that I look at my past 12 months and smile, I thank myself for giving myself another chance.

I can’t believe that I look at my past 12 months and smile, I thank myself for giving myself another chance.

The thing is, those people (not all) from my past want me to fail because it reiterates their own faulty path, why should they try and face their darkness if I did and failed?

I take it as the ultimate compliment that a handful of people still check in on me, from Sydney, from London – Often I only know because they either deliberately or accidentally double tapped an image on my instagram. I have forgotten they exist until they appear in these miraculous modern ways.

The truth is, I love to be under estimated. I love being doubted, I have been doubted my entire life and I’m still here, keeping conversations alive for people who supposedly don’t like me yet check in on me to see what I’m up to or if I’ve relapsed.

So to my doubters, I don’t believe it either but I’d rather be me today, than you. Keep checking in and dissecting it all because when a company wants to work with me and asks for my statistics, you make me look good- Sydney… London.

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  • Bethany

    Success is making yourself do the thing you need to do when you need to do it whether you like it or not. If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. Proud of you girl

  • P

    ❤️ you have the best haters kupz

    • True. As I always say, how boring would my life be if I didn’t have to watch my back?

  • Daniel A

    I just wanted to let you know that your post has made my day today.
    I have unfortunately seen my incredible relationship with a wonderful woman destroyed rapidly by her cocaine use so I understand you.

    Your post is encouraging, I am completely rooting for you and this new way of life you are embracing, you can absolutely do this and recover 100%!

    Many hugs and much support to you

    • Hi Daniel,

      Sorry to hear about your friend, she’s very lucky to have you.
      Thank you for your comment and support.

      Adriana x

  • PearkyGirl

    I love this post, Adriana! I believe in you and ly. This post is the best thing that I’ve read in this whole week….Keep writing cuz u r awesome, ly XX

  • Karmela

    People can forgive you everything but SUCCESS never.Sad bad true.We believe in you and just go ahead…love you <3

  • Love the last paragraph haha. These sad people really need to focus on their own lives more rather than minding other people’s.

  • Hi Adrianna, I absolutely loved this blog post and many others of yours, it’s clear you’ve come a long way – I loved how honest this was! I’d just like to say I nomininated you for the Bloggers Recognition Award 2017. To see the rules please see the blog post I put together for my nomination http://www.thatbridgegirl.com/grab-a-coffee–enjoy-your-read/blogger-recognition-award-2017

    I look forward to seeing your post!xxx

  • ❤️

  • Totally agree! xx

  • Hvala Karmela xx

  • Dora I love Love Love you!!! Thank you xx

  • Hi Daniel,

    Sorry to hear about your friend, she’s very lucky to have you.

    Thank you for your comment and support.

    Adriana x

  • True. As I always say, how boring would my life be if I didn’t have to watch my back?

  • Thanks Bethany xx