“You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?” Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra
What plans have you made? My plan is to have no plan. Where will you live? I’ll know when I get there. What will you do for work? No idea, don’t really care right now. When will you be back? Hopefully never.
Ooops, I did it again. Packed my life and slipped out of Sydney. I sold my car to a guy who purchased it on the spot, leaving me without a minute to kiss goodbye my favourite waste of money. I released myself off a lease from a place I called home away from home. I told my bosses that I wasn’t returning from what was only meant to be just a family vacation. Only a handful of people knew about my unpaved adventure and I was more than delighted by that.
My quarter life malaise didn’t go down well with my mother but I was beyond an age where I felt susceptible to explaining myself. She couldn’t comprehend why I had to once again, invest in a whole set of life lessons as opposed to a mortgage and normal life. Didn’t I once Tweet that Normal was for Nobodies? When one must go, one goes.
My second biggest critic, my middle sister began to inform me of the wages in Europe, in particular Croatia. Did I really care? No. If money made me happy, I would have stayed in Sydney.
What happened was that I was just being. Just another ordinary folk walking to and from work, I only knew my name, not what I wanted out of my day. My daydreams were vague, actually they were vacant because I was bored, restless and stirring pots to fill this void. When I am at my best, my daydreams keep me alive, motivated and fearless. I felt nothing but emptiness and disconnect toward my uber-cool city lifestyle.
Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.
It was time to scare my soul, shatter it to pieces and rebuild. It was time to get my intuition working again and it was time, it was just time. When people asked me whether I was excited, I told them that I would be when the time came to be. Present moments still had to be honoured and treasured. But I quickly forgot about a life that revolved around a schedule so tight, I had to pencil in my sex life. Too busy forging a life through egotism and shit that doesn’t really matter on your death bed, I created a confused inner demon that was impulsive and inconsistent. It was not aligned with my vision or my values and this was evident through the conversation I’d allowed into my life. I was no better. You are who you hang out with.
A decade ago, I thought I’d have all the answers by now. I thought I’d have it together and live this idealistic life surrounded by a white picket fence and a water view. No man in the picture though, I always knew I’d never settle in my twenties. Unfortunately now, more than ever, I question my life, my direction, those I allow into the air that I breathe and the authenticity of my goals. I have enough philosophy to make Robert Greene’s brain bleed cue excess baggage here. But no philosophy is greater than your own. Who you are when all your assets are removed. What character you bring to an empty table where the receiver only wants to know how heavy your heart is, instead of your pocket.
I’ve stripped myself bare, my thoughts are unravelling and the most unsuspecting flaw I’d ever met in my life touched my heart and my nerves. It was a taste of what is to come.
This is only the beginning. My WhatsApp asks me what I’m doing from a corner of the world.
“Dancing to Beyonce’s Grown Woman in my room with the curtains up so that my neighbours can witness a lady learning how to live again. I can do whatever I want…x”