I visited Berlin earlier this year in the worst mood.
Not only did my patience for humanity dwindle faster amongst the Germans, I spent six days with a boy that I admired as much as I wanted to strangle. I didn’t want to go out much, get drunk and after an MD bomb did nothing to fixate a faux high, I saw it as a sign to stay off anything that may score me a spot in jail or a cemetery.
I am a very blessed and lucky girl, what I seek, I attain. I’ve never had a problem getting what I want in life, in bed or in love. I am consciously aware of everything that needs to be done in order to be rewarded with your dreams but I proactively hunt for what I want. I threw myself out of comfort in Sydney to complete discomfort in Europe. My family time in Croatia was also a discomfort where I was faced with more ignorance, lack of imagination and self doubt. People couldn’t comprehend my reasoning and ‘unhappiness.’ What was I thinking pulling myself out of glorious Sydney? This vicious cycle had me working overtime, protecting my aura and vision. I knew what I needed to do: Be alone and cry.
A few years back I met this Aquarian woman who shared the birthday as me but was deep in retirement. Her personality was infectious and it was clear she’d lived a very adventurous and rewarding life.
“Now dear, what I’m about to tell you, you take into full account, understand?”
“We Aquarians, we like a little fun wink wink, we are a bit crazy but sometimes things don’t go to plan. When shit happens, you pour yourself a tea or vodka, go to the corner, drink it and cry. You then get up and get over it. Understand? Never waste time.”
I’ve met a lot of crazy retired people but she always stood out. I never forgot the words from my fellow non compos mentis friend. I allowed myself three weeks of corner and vodka action but once I hit London, I’d never cry for myself again. Ever.
Three weeks of Questions in the Corner
Why are you not happy? What will make you happy? What the hell are you going to do with your life now? Who are you? Do you seriously care what others think? What are you afraid of? I thought you were fearless!? The plate is broken, why are you looking back? If you want to write, why are you not writing? You’re procrastinating with poems by Rilke you know that, right? What do you want to be known for? Have you given up or let go? What will get you out of bed at 5am, driven and fearless the way you used to be? Who is going to love you when you don’t even love yourself? Do you really think he cares about you the way you care about him? Why are you wasting time? Why do you interact with people who will never understand you? Should you really be trusting her considering your history? Eight years on and your heart is still healing? What is keeping you alive? What would happen if I mixed homemade rakija and wine with sleeping pills?
The list was endless.
Regardless, I needed the time to reflect, silence my soul and heal properly. I had a burning desire to be a nomad, meeting new people, experiencing different cultures and broadening my mind in other ways of living, thinking and being. I had to get myself out there and give people a chance, even though being around new people was the last thing on my mind. Still reflecting on many bridges I’d burned back in Sydney, I forced myself to remove the disappointment and let it go. Life is what it is and it really does go on, with or without you.
A purpose not to Snooze
Throughout my mild depression and ‘letting go of old self/life’ I realised the importance of understanding your purpose, the reason why you get out of bed in the morning. My entire life has served a purpose, until now. From wanting to be a Ballerina at the age of 8, to a footballer at 15, then a real estate agent to rival John McGrath when I finished High School. I devoted six years of my life chasing my dream of being a Fashion Stylist, which would ultimately fizzle out a relationship that once looked like forever and turn me off the spotlight. I always chose my goals and money over everyone around me, this includes my family. As selfish as that sounds, each time I had a purpose to work toward, I was my happiest, despite being most alone. Going from one extreme workaholic money fuelled dream to the complete opposite was a shock to my system, but one my soul truly needed. Starting from ground up, I rekindled a love for myself, gave myself permission start all over and literally began living in the moment. I opened up my heart to people I wouldn’t usually talk to and began to tell them what I wanted to accomplish next. The more I heard myself repeat my vision, the more opportunities started opening up for me and with this clarity, it confirmed I was on the right path. All of a sudden I was waking up before my alarm, sleeping less and I was more productive at my desk.
Stupid vs. Rewarding
“I don’t know what the point of all this is but I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Those were the final words from my mother before my family headed back to Sydney in January. The sentence haunted me for weeks prior, during lucid dreams I now see were just premonitions preparing me for the voice of a concerned parent. Say or think what you want but you can’t hurt a girl with a broken heart. I sat on the couch watching infomercials, paralysed. I couldn’t think forward, I was too scared to look back but my present couldn’t be simplified more beautifully. Will I ever find what I was looking for? Does it even exist? Is this the way you find happiness? Fulfilment? Or yourself? What was I thinking when I decided what I had was not enough? OH AK, you have major issues. I just wanted my limbo to be over.
And then London came along and I got my groove back, along with Barcelona where I met the man of my dreams and in return he gained a woman with dreams. I united with a close friend on foreign ground and together we discovered a whole new way to live and laugh. I started to put my phone away, look around and speak to the man beside me on the bus about angels and self actualization even though he looked like he knew more about weed and syringes. I stopped looking back and my inbox gave me a reason to look forward.
Nothing I do or wherever I choose to be needs to make sense to anyone but me. For as long as I am following my heart, these chances I take and blessing I consider will always only make me a winner.
Talk to me about leaving your comfort zone, have you ever tried?
What keeps you in comfort or what drives you away from it?