WTF HAPPENED TO ME?

DISCLAIMER: I have reactivated my Instagram, it on private. It will remain private to retain my privacy and I will continue to document my journey on this blog.

I’ve gotten married, added a last name to my last name and moved myself to Zadar for the summer. I’ve turned on my privacy settings and basically disappeared off social media, not before removing over 6,000 people off my instagram.. What happened? I got over it. My social media statistics tripled over the weekend I said I do and for the first time in a very very long time, this made me super uncomfortable.

I’ve been blogging for ten years this year and sure, social media is part of blogging life but it gave me greater insight into the life I don’t want to live anymore. Since moving to Croatia I have paved and lost my way. Things that I was once passionate about don’t tickle me anymore and the whole blogger/influencer sphere in Croatia is a circus. I don’t want any association with it and won’t even refer to myself as a blogger anymore. I will continue to focus on contributions to mega media platforms in the UK and USA to promote Croatia, mental health and addiction awareness and I’ll keep this blog running as my private space on the internet to update my readers on where I’m at in my life. I never started this blog or any social media presence for money. I just wanted to share my journey and collect the right readers along the way by sharing my truth.

This blog and my space on the internet was where I first revealed the finer details to an abusive relationship that I went through, it kicked off the difficult healing process I’ve been going through over the past two years. It also opened up the doors to contribute to monster publications like The Huffington Post, Tiny Buddha, Rebelle Society, Jetset Times. I wrote about my tears in recovery, I admitted to my struggles with suicidal thoughts, drugs and alcohol. I was even given many opportunities to promote Croatia on it.

Through this blog I made numerous connections with people all over the world who shared similar scars to mine, or just wanted to tell me that I inspired their trip to Croatia. I even made new friends from the Croatian disapora through this blog, a lot of people want information on the inside in english. This blog opened up doors and publications to me that I used to dream of when I was laying drunk on my bedroom floor in London.

This blog is where it all began, it’s where it all started. Read my very first post on here titled, “Invent Your World: Make Sure it Sparkles” I literally had no idea where I was going, what I was going to do but I knew I would be okay. I knew that I was on the right path even though I didn’t see it in front of me.

My path has been filled with mud for many years. Only now, have I started to walk on marble floors. 

Then distractions like Instagram came along and each year that passed by, photos became more fake, pre rehearsed and popularity could be purchased.  I watched a blogger in Croatia (faux friend) moan about “only” having 50k followers and repeatedly for 9 months defraud her own audience into fake international giveaways, boosting her engagement, following and overall “credibility.” Those giveaways no longer exist on her profile and you’d think she worked her butt off to get every single follow, now in the hundreds of thousands. Yet check her out on Social Blade and you’ll see her purchase followers in the thousands. Fuj. I’m not interested in playing this fake game. Fake instagram is for fake people, I am not one of them. I will not engage in any of it.

I’ve decided to turn my instagram to private, it’s not big deal but kinda is when you own a blog. Cool, premeditated images with correct tagging and hash tagging are the fastest ways to build a following, connect with like minded people and get people interested in your message and your blog. I live in Croatia, one of the most photogenic countries in the world and I finally have an insta-husband who I trained very well into taking my pictures for me, but I’m no longer interested in sharing it with the whole world. I’ll share images and information on my blog but not everyone will have direct access to my insta-life. Maybe I grew up or maybe I just got over it. People stalking, pretending to be friends with me just to see which city I’m in or to try and get contacts off me. It’s really scary how obsessed our society is with watching other people’s lives.

I’m not complaining, I have a very good life. I have a lot to show and show off but I am choosing not to anymore. Instagram was an extension of my ego.

All this, “Look at me, look at my fab life, look at which amazing hotel I’m at in Croatia today, oh look, I’m in transit to ANOTHER city in the past 48 hours.” Yeah yeah, whatever. I’m still a fucking alcoholic in recovery who often struggles to sleep at night because I’m disgusted by my disease and even though each day I am sober I make it look easy, each day sobriety gets harder.

The same philosophy I apply to my life and friendship circle, I am applying to my social media. The only people I want to have access to my life are those who have always been there, those I personally know, who inspire me with their real every day struggles, not those who filter every single image they upload that coincides with their insecurity.

I’m done feeding that pig, that insecure fat pig who needs to be validated by people they don’t even know. 

On my wedding day and for days afterwards, I received hundreds of messages congratulating me. I can confirm that 95% of those messages came from people I’d encountered at some point in my life. They’d seen my struggle to survive in this world, they knew about my struggles to find love for myself and in another human being and best of all, they knew me. They knew me personally. The other 5% were passive followers who were engaged with my content and journey. I could tell even when someone who’d never met me but followed my journey, was genuinely happy for me. It was really nice, there are good people out there. However, what value to my life does a random stranger prying in on my happiness because they have access to it give me? Exactly what? What a privilege to give someone you don’t know so much access to something so sacred.

I’ve really missed writing, writing is my gift. This blog is my baby, one I’ve been neglecting for reasons not good enough. The other day I received an email from my Google Analytics that stated 69% of my traffic is generated organically. I see that my posts rank well and those very private and personal posts on larger publications continue to draw people here, something that I should be very proud of and I am.

You’ll have to forgive me for losing my way for a while but as we all know, what’s meant to be, you’ll always return to naturally.

 

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